I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
