saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I cannot find my penis.
accomplished twins. life is a go
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
