I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
