I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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