R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Randomize
