I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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