Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
that is very illegal...i love you.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
