I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
