Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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