I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why do cheetos always look like penises
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
