I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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