Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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