just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
