I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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