Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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