the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
