the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
