No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
