It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
