my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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