I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
