dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
