life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
