we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
