everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
