So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
