it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
