Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
