ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
