Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
