She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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