I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
