I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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