I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
