thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
