It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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