I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
