remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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