I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
