If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
