I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
