she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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