things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
