I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
