She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
