Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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