My first STD was from a foam party
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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