The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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