I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize