I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize