I think I won the penis lottery.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
