Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize