covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
