He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
