So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
